Journal
If you wish to be notified of new journal entries sign up here for my newsletter.
The gifts of meditation
In meditation this morning I felt my attention immediately drop into the heart and I allowed my awareness to rest there. What a gift to rest in the awake awareness of the heart. I followed the breath as it moved in my chest, expanding and opening the energy there. After some time, I followed this awareness as it moved into the belly and experienced what I would describe as an eternal state of being.
In meditation, we open to it all.
In spirituality, we are often invited into the light. To see through the eyes of unconditional love and to know the infinite okayness of our being. We love the light. It feels good there. We can dream there and know that everything is possible. And it’s true, everything is possible.
Self love
On Wednesday mornings I attend a sangha at St. John’s Episcopal Church in Oakland where we read the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, meditate and have inspiring discussions. This morning we were talking about how “self love” is a concept that can be difficult to understand. I know it has been for me.
I am home.
I spent the weekend at a beautiful retreat center, a sacred place that calls to me. A friend said, “The veil is thin here.” I was walking alone through the grounds as the fog was lifting and the mountains were beginning to be visible and I thought, “I feel vulnerable.” It was a quiet voice but it got my attention. Yes, I thought, I feel vulnerable.
True power lies in the center of our fragility.
If we stay open in meditation, we can’t help but come into contact with our fragile places. This may be why we are intimidated by silent retreat. We intuitively know the inevitability of this contact when we are not distracted.
Nature’s highest priority is evolution.
I am in a big transition right now. Letting go of a successful 25 year career and allowing it to transform into something new is challenging. I’ve noticed a feeling of self-doubt arise as I sit in the unknown.
We are always on our way home.
Today I dissolve into the Great Mystery.
I let go of any pursuit of Self.
There is no puzzle of unworthiness to resolve.
In the spaciousness that is revealed, I surrender to the energy of creation.
I am emptiness.
I am pure potentiality.
I allow life to move through me and I listen deeply.
Every retreat is different.
I keep thinking that I want to share about the Labor Day retreat but there aren’t a lot of words. I can still feel the energy of it in my body though, which is something like joy because it makes me smile when I think of being there. Every retreat is different.
Letting go
This summer I realized that I was in a big transition…one I had not predicted. The experience involved a lot of allowing in the new. Letting it reveal itself, a bit at a time. This allowing felt good and restorative and exciting. There was another aspect to the transition which I noticed was a bit clunkier, less smooth.
Invitation to Silence
When I have an experience of unwanted emotions…maybe it's shame, grief, fear, or the almostness of knowing something that I haven't been ready to know…I need courage to see it, be with it, allow it in fully and completely.
Join Me on Retreat
When I have an experience of unwanted emotions…maybe it's shame, grief, fear, or the almostness of knowing something that I haven't been ready to know…I need courage to see it, be with it, allow it in fully and completely.
On Staying with Discomfort
In the practice of meditation and mindfulness, there is an invitation to stay with whatever arises. Recently, I have had an opportunity to apply this to my life in a profound and impactful way. When I had an interaction with a friend that left me feeling hurt and triggered, I decided to apply this muscle I have been developing through my meditation practice of simply staying with the feelings. I tend to default to processing things mentally, so I had to remind myself again and again to steer clear of "thinking" and replaying the events. This practice was profound in a few different ways.
On Not Knowing
Every time I rediscover the concept of not knowing, I experience such a profound sense of relief that it surprises me. Relief from the constant search for security, for something I can hold on to that won't slip away. The grasping and clutching is automatic--an endless cycle of searching for happiness outside of this moment. Letting go of what I believe I know becomes a terrifying prospect.
On Codependency
My friend Carmen asked me to help her with a question she was having. Here is her question: I'm wondering about how to grow in not being so codependent, especially with work. I seem to keep repeating a pattern in life where I end up taking a lot of responsibility, working extremely hard, getting to be a bit work obsessed (it's all I can think about, constantly checking my email, etc), feeling depended upon and trapped and then wanting to quit. I'd love to break this cycle and find more psychic space in my life to be in more healthy balance with work, friends, spirituality and play.
On Grief
Grief is a long lost friend. It is home. It is the arrival into Love itself. It reminds me that I am alive. That this thing is happening, right now, that needs my absolute full attention. Needs me to pull over the car, to sob and wail and laugh and scream. It commands my utmost respect. My awe. It is greater than the dream I have been in. This dream is made up of wants, desires, not enough, too much. Grief washes it away and brings me to the edge of death itself. I fear grief and then I welcome it. It washes through me and I am home.