For many years, I struggled with meditation. I understood conceptually that there was this thing called awareness but I was looking for it with my evaluative mind and it was nowhere to be found. And then one day, I let go and I just sort of stumbled into it. (It was actually a desperate surrender in a moment of complete failure.) But I had the body experience of the peace, nothingness, and spaciousness that the teacher kept pointing us to and this meant I might be able to find it again.
It’s so funny how much I wanted meditation to be part of my achievement identity. But, the second the ego enters the scene, spaciousness disappears. I had to learn this over and over again until I started to understand what meditation was actually for. The letting go wasn’t for the cushion, it was for life.
That practice of letting go of the ego has changed almost every aspect of my life. It makes it easier to say I’m sorry, to take in feedback, to drive more slowly and be more patient. Meditation has helped me forgive and love myself and forgive and love others. It’s a practice in seeing the complexity in life, rather than black and white. It’s a way I have gotten to really know myself and let go of what isn’t relevant or true.
People often say to me, “I’m not good at meditation.” I understand why they feel that way. I was there. But I believe anyone can access that peace inside. It’s what drives me to keep creating spaces and opportunities for people to discover it.